Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy.The vet says “it looks calm enough to me”
Paddy says “I haven’t taken it out the fucking bowl yet!”
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
“Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly,” she said, “I don’t want you choosing someone who you’re going to be tempted to have sex with.”
“That’s fair enough,” I replied, “When can you start.”
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
- When your past comes knocking, change the locks. It has nothing new to tell you
- Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
- Make criminals pay, study to become a lawyer.
- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
- Little Johnny complains to mom at home, “Mom, our teacher really doesn’t know anything. He keeps asking us!”
I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing windows.
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Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your boot space.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must have belonged to some junkie though because I’ve been tripping the whole day.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? You marry it.
More jokes at www.short-funny.com